


Holding your hands please dont get any colder

by Cookies_and_all_things_nice



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: AU, Abuse, Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Basic Neglect of self care, Best Friends, Clay | Dream - Freeform, Comfort, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Dream Smp, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Exiled TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Fix-It, Gen, Happy Ending, Heavy Fic, Huddling For Warmth, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, I desperately needed this scene so i wrote it, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, Manipulative Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Manipulative Relationship, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mentions of Suicide, My First Work in This Fandom, None shipping, PTSD flashbacks, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Toby Smith | Tubbo, Psychological Trauma, References to Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sick TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Starvation, Struggles of being alone, TommyInnit - Freeform, TommyInnit Has PTSD (Video Blogging RPF), Touch-Starved, Traumatized Tommyinnit (Video Blogging RPF), Tubbo - Freeform, Wrote this because Someone protect tommyinnit please, Yelling, alternate ending to cannon, dream is a green bastard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28900137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cookies_and_all_things_nice/pseuds/Cookies_and_all_things_nice
Summary: AU different alternate ending to the story Set during Tommys exile arc. Where Tubbo finds him sooner during his last days, and comforts him during a panic depressive episode.Or A tommy Trauma fic.“I'm so alone.The shadows grow darker around my eyes as the unsettling truth I always knew settled in. I am alone. A statement that has been thought dry by the endless cycle of words my brain laced out for me.”
Comments: 2
Kudos: 125





	Holding your hands please dont get any colder

**Author's Note:**

> TW WARNING!!  
> As a heads up because i know that the Exile story arc was rough for a lot of people:  
> This Fic is going to include themes around Emotional and physical abuse (An insight into the abuse that tommy suffered from Dream) and the trauma that followed (including a small PTSD flashback scene) and Its never addressed fully but references to Suicide.  
> This fic was written because i desperately wanted a scene where another character saw what was going On with Tommy and protected him, (and lets be real my favourite trope is hurt comfort). I have recently become very obbsessed with analysing Tommys character so this is what you get.  
> Only read on if you think you are comfortable with that content. Please read tags. This is your final warning.
> 
> ALSO THIS IS NOT A SHIP FIC, Tommy and Tubbo are best friends.  
> May upload the second chapter soon. 
> 
> Title are Lyrics from the song “Hands” by ORKID that i happened to start listening to whilst writing. Its a great song i suggest you check it out.

I'm so alone.  
The shadows grow darker around my eyes as the unsettling truth I always knew settled in. I am alone. A statement that has been thought dry by the endless cycle of words my brain laced out for me. In the endless days, weeks or was it months that held me stuck in the unbearable silence that was always to loud to bare, the birdsong that drove me crazy.  
Surrounded in a prison of Endless empty hills, the sea stretched out into a horizon where I long stopped picturing boats sailing towards my hopeless position as a recuse party. They abandoned me at the first chance they got. My thoughts were so loud, I was tired, so tired of hearing them. The thing about being alone is that it really just leaves you stuck with the insanity of your own thoughts. I know my friends aren't here, i know my friends arnt talking to me, so why do I still hear his voice?. See his face In my waking moments and nightmares when I do manage to sleep due to exhaustion. Even if i did fight for the one thing that mattered in my life, what would be the point when no one wanted to be with me anymore?

The mud was relaxing, it squished under my fingers and claimed my hand as I buried it slowly. The mud was wet and i wasn't sure if that was from my tears or from the rain that has been pounding on my tent whilst I lay there pretending to sleep. I haven't slept in so long, let me sleep. Let me put everything to rest. Even dream isnt seeing me anymore, he hasn't come in two days. Two long drawn out days. But he's my friend, and he doesn't have to see me, it's not his obligation to see me, he has better friends anyway and he probably has things he needs to do. No use sitting here selfishly thinking he's coming. I've abandoned my new armour in the chest waiting for him the moment he arrives to give him as a gift like he always asks for.  
The mud was like my new bed, i spent more of my days lying on it then my actual bed back at the tent by now. It wasn't exactly the comfiest but it drowned out every emotion that trapped me and i could ignore everything, just for a while.

My vision is getting blurry as the cold settles in, gripping me right to the bone and soothing me in a blanket of ice. I'm used to the cold. It doesn't affect me that much anymore. The pounding rain against my back doesn't quite drive me insane.  
The mud soaks against my face and clings there and i sink lower into it wanting it to swallow me whole.  
There's deep vibrations in the mud and my ears pick up the Sound of boots pushing through the thickness. Is someone coming?  
My heart leaps, dream! maybe its dream. A grin widens my face as i close my eyes waiting for him to pick me up and question what im doing, call me silly and say i may catch a cold. Like the last time he found me like this.  
Someone is yelling something that I can't hear through the muffled noises and that constant pit pit patter of the rain.  
I open my dry mouth and let out a breath i didnt realise i was holding, “drea-“ my voice is so weak i doubt he heard me.  
Warm hands are pushing me up and i groan, this time im sure he can hear me. Let me lie in the mud, five more mins dream please.  
no of course not. Its never my time to die.  
“-ommy can you hear me?” my heart freezes as i come eye to eye with Tubbo.  
Great. Not another Tubbo dream. How pathetic, imagining Tubbo coming to get me, the hope has vanished after so long. The evidence I had lost my mind a while ago.  
“Your not Dream-“ i try and speak but it is lost on my tounge. My body begins to flop as something warm is held against my head, and i'm confused why i feel Relief. Then i feel his hands darting to my neck pressing gently as he no doubtly is checking for a pulse.  
“Oh Tommy, Jesus Christ what happened to you” My hair has been peeled back from my face and he's now rubbing circles into my back, I flinch away, no one has done that in so long. I haven't had touch in so long. The desire to lean into the touch fades as I remember;  
—  
Lying on that hard solid mud, the heat burning on my skin staring out into the hypnotic rolls of the ocean.  
“Tommy what are you doing!!” Dream yells and i flinch away my body shaking like a leaf. “Im sorry im sorry dont hurt me-“ i squeal sitting up and covering my face waiting for the blow. Dream is over in an instance gripping hard onto my shoulder, “i'm not going to hurt you tommy, i'm your friend after all remember?? i just want to know what you are doing!”  
“Im sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry” I can't stop saying it a string of words erupting from my mouth, my head moves and i'm Looking at the floor and squeezing my hands tight across my face as dreams gets ever closer, blocking the sunlight so i see his mask so clearly in the light. His hands have gripped me and I am trapped under him. 

—  
“Im sorry im sorry im-“  
“Tommy what did he do to you- its ok“ the voice is laced with worry and warmth in contrast instead of that stern cold tone and I almost give in and listen but it's not Tubbo. It was never him. Not when I saw him standing at the portal what seemed like years ago and not now. Maybe this is a sick trick from Dream, or maybe I'm finally dead. Rescued and sent to heaven by the one person who takes up my entire thoughts.

But it's hard to ignore when I'm pulled into a warm embrace and held tightly. Soft arms hold me close and warmth is flooded through my aching bones fighting the need to shiver with every warmth that erupts to the tips of my fingers. Fighting the cold that became my safety I have grown so close to accepting.  
“Stay calm, i've got you you're going to be ok just hold on” tubbo is whispering in my ear and confusion floods through me. Dream never did this, i haven't felt this in so long. Why is this happening to me.  
“N-n-no i like the cold Dream stop stop taunting me please just leave me alone!” my throat hurts but i still scream as loud as i can. “Dream go away! go away! Im fed up!!”. Im pushing against his chest hard trying to rip away. I don't want him to touch me.  
“Hey, hey shhh shhh, breath Tommy, Hey! Tommy stop- stop stop please, i'm not Dream im tubbo!. It's your Tubbo, Tubbo in a box! remember that!”.  
I stop in an instant and my eyes lock with his again. Even in the heavy rain that falls down his face I'm met with his soft brown eyes that shine so bright like a beacon in the darkness. His scruffy and fuzzy hair is even more messed up then usual and i see his kind warm smile that i've missed so goddamn much. His checks are wet And i realise that its not only from the rain. He looks happy, he looks like my Tubbo.  
“Tub-tubbo?” I breath slowly, “are you real?”.  
Tubbos face grows from soft to painted with worry and sadness so quick and i catch the tremble of his lip as he bits it, “Im real, Whatever happened Tommy it won't happen again i promise i'm here now i'm going to get you back home, now listen to me can you stand?”.  
Home. Home. The word so lost and distant in a breeze, it grew stale. A false memory so long gone that even the colour has left it. Home, but what was home. Do I deserve a home?

“Tommy, can you hear me?” His hand is on my check again and I nuzzle into it feeling every ounce of warmth.  
“God you're freezing half to death, if you can't walk right now i'll carry you we need to get you inside before you get worse” I tried to speak again but it came out as a small whimper, I couldn't move. I wanted to stay in the mud forever. I didn't like to think of the consequences of leaving that safe space, of getting up and carrying on. And what would dream think of this?. would he hurt me?.  
“I know I know, here” he takes off his presidential jacket and wraps it tightly around my shoulders and carefully removes the old ripped up scarf that barely held onto my Trembling body.  
“Let's get you out the cold” and with that i watch as the floor drifts away and as my head lols i see the world tipped sideways and feel the heavy thump and soft hypotinising moments as tubbo begins to carry me back towards the tent. My head falls against his arm so tightly wrapped around my back and I don't correct it. I'm too weak to sit up or say anything, just lie there feeling my feet knock together with every thump as I'm carried away like a baby.  
Its warm and im safe and i like the warm. Im not alone. My hand shakes as it grips onto his shirt. Tubbo...

“Tommy?” a gentle voice wakes me from my trance and I shake my head violently sitting up. I'm in the suffocating cage of my tent, the walls i got so bored of seeing lit up under candle light and ive been tucked into my bed. My hands are clean and I'm wearing a new set of clothes, gone are my ripped and extremely dirty top and jeans and replaced is a new red and white shirt and tubbos coat wrapped around my shoulders. I hear the howling and the constant thud of the rain outside no longer eating away at us. But the best part of all is that i'm warm and there is a very nice smelling bowl of mushroom soup placed beside the bed.  
“Oh thank god you're awake I was starting to worry I lost you, I made you some soup please eat some” he gestures to the soup.  
“T-Tubbo? wait what happened are you really here?” I jump at the sound of my own voice. It was raspy and i wasn't used to hearing it after so long.  
“Yes I'm here”. He's here, he's really here.  
“ I came looking for you because we haven't heard from you in ages and I was worried about my friend. I didn't realise you were in such a bad state. I'm so very sorry i left you like that tommy if i would've known i-”.  
My confusion is suddenly met with extreme anger, the anger I had been holding in for weeks and weeks, and now was able to get out. To my best friend who had left me for dead.

“YOU WERE WORRIED!?. REALLY!?? after not visiting me for weeks Tubbo! for exciling me here and just leaving me! now you decide you want to be worried!”.  
“Tommy you have to understand i didn't mean to-“  
“YEAH WELL ITS HAPPENED AND IVE SUFFERED AND I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU CAME HERE BUT YOU SHOULD OF JUST LEFT ME. YOU DON'T REALLY CARE NOBODY DOES, THAT'S WHY YOU DIDN'T COME SOONER OR COME TO MY BEACH PARTY '' i falter as my throat chokes and seized up, till tears are streaming down my cheeks.  
“Tommy, i- huh?” His eyebrows close in but I continue letting out all the pain inside my chest.  
“And you know How many times I dreamed of you here, that it was my location's fault that you couldn't come here, I built a bridge! a fucking bridge through the nether and guess what”  
I couldnt help but let out a laugh  
“guess what tubbo, no contact and no one came! and i've been so alone all the time but thats ok because i've learnt to live like this. So don't come here sprouting your pity”  
“Tommy-“  
“And your false words now that you've finally Had space to come see your ‘best friend’ in that oh so ever busy schedule of yours”  
“Tommy wait listen-“  
“WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED TUBBO. I would have seen you every single day. So you know what I've learnt in these days of isolation. It's my fault. I'm so self involved to think that anyone would want to come see me but really i put myself in this mess might as well die alone in it to!”

“TOMMY NO STOP”. My breath is cut short, I've never heard him shout or raise his voice before apart from when he was exciling me. And it breaks my heart to hear someone so soft as Tubbo raise his voice or get stressed. Another fault of mine I guess. 

“Tommy listen to me, i don't know what Dream has done to you- except for neglect of basic self care judging by how you looked when i found you but none of us knew any of this. None of us knew how bad you were and how alone you were, I personally thought You were just off trying to devise a plan for your discs and were too busy to be visited. If I knew about this I would have been by your side in a heartbeat, and what was that about your beach party??”.  
I felt sick. I was still so tired despite dozing off into a sleep earlier.  
“Dont lie to me please I just want everyone to just stop fucking lying to me”. My voice fades of as i huff.  
“I'm being 100% serious” Tubbo has walked over to my bed now and sat on it awkwardly, he hasn't stopped looking into my eyes and it was all I could do not to hug him again. Of course I wasn't mad, my heart was singing from seeing him. It's been way to fucking long. But those thoughts that controlled so much of my life Stung my brain and I was so tired. So so tired.  
“Well lets see, i sent everyone an invite and Ghostbur was meant to hand them out so you should of fucking got one tubbo, Thats why i know your lying”. I look away.  
“I- i didn't get one tommy… i didn't know”  
Anger boiled in me again  
“You didnt? or you just didn't bother to open it”  
“I really didn't tommy, and i checked my mailbox everyday to see if you sent something”.

“So your telling me that fucking ghost-“ My fists clench, “Why Tubbo! why would he do that!”  
“i- i don't know but listen”  
“When i next see him im gonna-“ I place my feet down angrily on the ground and forcibly stand up,  
“Tommy no!”,  
The dizziness hits me almost immediately as my legs crumble and I fall heavily into Tubbos arms as he jumps forward to catch me.  
“Tommy you're too weak to stand at the moment please lie down you need rest and to eat something, please have some of the soup i made you”. He gently places me back in the bed and holds the soup up with a spoon.  
I awkwardly take the spoon and slowly take a sip, “..thanks Tubbo”.  
He smiles again and I feel a tiny spark in my heart like a firework. The soup goes down my throat and I sigh, I love the taste of mushroom soup. I don't know why I've been avoiding it for so long.  
“I'm taking you back to L’manberg first thing in the morning”.  
I spit out the second spoonful of soup I was taking and almost choked. “Wha-“  
“Yeah. That's why I was coming to get you. We've all been having a good discussion and realised you were right. How can i run a country dictated by Dream, how could i let myself be ruled and threatened by him. And you've more than learnt your lesson, I missed you man. A hell of a lot. Dream is doing something, he's plotting behind the scenes and none of us know what he's doing and I've realised you're our best bet at getting back at dream. I assume you want to after all this?”.

I spend a long time staring at him, thinking this through in my head, over everything. A lot had happened since Tubbo had appeared for good in my life. The battle still raged in my head, Tubbo left me, or did he. If what he said was true he thought I was busy doing other things. And what about dream. Dream is your friend. He was there to care and be your support When you needed him, he is your only friend, Tubbo left you and he will do it again. But i hated Dream. I hated Dream, he was using me.  
I thought back to what Dream said the day he blew logishire and every last little thing I loved up. That i had misbehaved and went against him and that i must be punished for it. Because I stood up against him. He was teaching me not to do it again by hurting me, Because he's scared. Scared that I'm the only one he can't control. He was just watching me, keeping me under his control so I couldn't fight him. That's not what a friend does.  
Tubbo had actually come to see me, to bring me home. Tubbo saved me last night. He's given me a reason to fight.  
My lips part into a smile for the first time in months. For the first time in months there's hope.  
“Im in” i say grinning widely “lets get that green bastard back”. 

As we stand on that familiar hill I let out a shaky breath and instantly relax. The dream smp, home. I can see home. The buildings that stood so tall and beautiful in the reflected light back into my face. They seem ood and distant from the time I had spent away, but this was my actual home and where i was supposed to be. I was allowed back. My head had been quiet all the time on the walk back home, there was no more dark thoughts. It was just Tubbo who didn't stop talking.  
But as we stood in silence on that hill standing over the dream smp Tubbo broke the silence.  
“Tommy your eyes-“  
“huh, what about them?”,  
“I had noticed that they were faded, lost their colour a bit but,” his smile is wide  
“Your back. They've regained their natural blue”.


End file.
